Coping With A Narcissistic Mother – 9 Effective Ways
Do you feel that living with your mother is a task because she is constantly getting on your nerves, being the negative force, and controlling you? Then you might have a narcissistic mother. Do not worry though, here are some ways of coping with a Narcissistic Mother.
Sometimes parents; especially mothers, unintentionally become toxic and interfere in your life constantly, as they wish to protect you from the evil world. But they do not realize that they are making the child’s life even more difficult than the rest of the world.
In some cases, such mothers see their children as extensions of themselves, and thus control you, expect a lot from you, and are always expecting you to follow the path suggested by them. Thus there are different types of toxic mothers depending on their ideologies, thought processes, and beliefs.
Toxic relationships are where no boundaries are understood, and there is a lack of warmth. There are manifestations of selfishness, egotism, poor communication, and a lack of tenderness and empathy.
Thus to find ways to cope with a narcissistic mother, you must know about narcissistic mothers first and how you may assure or identify them. Here is a brief explanation about who is a narcissistic mother along with some characteristics or signs.
What is a Narcissistic Mother?
When you hear the word mother, what picture do you get in mind? You always picture a sweet loving and caring mother, lots of laughter and giggles, lots of warmth, loving and caring, from sharing little secrets to learning to live life. Everything we learn from our parents, especially mothers. You always picture a bond where mothers are compassionate, warm, and tender with their children. But have you ever come across a toxic mother?
Children and mothers have an inseparable bond, as a mother plays a crucial role in a child’s upbringing. Narcissistic parents leave a deep impact on their children, as they lack emotional bonds, their love is conditional, achievements are more important than their child’s efforts, their needs are a top priority than their child’s, no arguments only agreements without knowing the problem, and much more are all part of your childhood when you are being raised by a narcissistic/toxic mother.
So how do you know if you have toxic parents, especially toxic mothers? Let us know some traits of toxic mothers below,
Signs of a toxic Narcissist mother
- Can be rude and often would not understand your point of view.
- Arrogance and anger is their primary reaction to any of the problems whether caused by you or not.
- They often blame you for many things and would consider you the root of all problems.
- She hates changes and cannot handle them well.
- She lacks sensitivity and empathy.
- Narcissistic mothers are emotionally unavailable.
- She is self-centric.
- She is mean when her ways do not work out.
- She is always blaming other family members whenever something goes wrong.
- She is verbally abusive.
- She lacks self-awareness.
- She is never satisfied and always expects more from others.
- She is unable to maintain healthy relations.
- Narcissistic mothers are highly competitive, and they keep on comparing you to others of your age and devalue your achievements.
- She is easily irritated by your smallest of mistakes and has drastic mood changes and shifts.
- She takes advantage of others for her well-being and also teaches you the same even at the cost of someone else’s major compromises.
- She is unable to take criticism well.
- Most of the time she neglects her responsibilities like house chores, cooking, cleaning, and even her kids.
Now that enough is known about narcissistic mothers and ways to spot one, here are strategies for coping with a Narcissistic Mother.
Coping With A Narcissistic Mother – 9 Effective Ways
Coping is an effective way to deal with narcissistic individuals especially if that someone is dear and close to you like your mother. Let us know some ways to cope with a narcissistic mother effectively.
Refuse to respond to her Outbursts
When you have a narcissistic mother, the “Grey Rock Method” might be one of the most efficient techniques to respond to her rage outbursts. This method can be effectively used to break the toxic loop of narcissistic outbursts. This method involves becoming unengaging, uninteresting, and dull so that the other person loses interest in you. Some people consider it the best method to deal with toxic people in toxic relationships.
To deal with someone who treats you badly and drains you emotionally like your narcissistic mother, the best way to deal with her is by disengaging with them. If you feel that this method may be endangering your physical safety, then you may avoid this and reach out for help.
Cut Off Contact
Yes! You heard it right, if you feel that the abuse and toxicity are too much to handle, then you may cut off contact with your mother after gaining certain independence. You may feel guilty initially for doing so as she is your mother, but cutting off contact may be the best way to save yourself from pain, abuse, and emotional damage.
When the relationship is close yet damaging, one may need time to process the decision to disengage. If the relationship is inflicting emotional and mental harm, it may be better to detach yourself from such toxic relations.
Why cutting off contact may be the means to break the dynamics of toxic relationships,
Narcissistic mothers would never allow you to decide for yourself until they are around, you may always have a dysfunctional relationship with her. It is not because you lack decisiveness but the fact is she may avoid treating you fairly.
Keeping Low or No Expectations from her
Narcissistic individuals may never realize the fact that they are at fault, and may never be held accountable for their actions. Narcissistic mothers are not self-reflective and lack self-awareness. They may never tend to take responsibility for the destruction they might have caused in the mother-daughter bond.
So if you are expecting them to change or be more reflective toward their toxic behavior, then you may be disappointed to hear that they are not going to be. You may never hear an apology from narcissistic mothers, so do not build up expectations high that you may have a mother who might be apologizing for their negative behavior.
Limit your interactions for your well-being
Narcissistic mothers may not be interested in their child’s life and they may never initiate conversations like, “How was your day?”, or “How have you been lately?” unless they have some motive behind that. So when you share your daily experiences without their interest they may ignore it or might even criticize it.
Thus you may avoid over-sharing with your narcissistic mothers as they may never really care about knowing your well-being or about your life unless it affects them.
Making yourself a small target
Making yourself a small target means being less accessible to narcissistic mothers so that you do not become a victim of their manipulation and abuse. What you may do is start becoming uninterested in their questions or their opinions, do not act impulsively or react to their comments.
Narcissistic mothers often choose drama and chaos over a peaceful and loving relationship. By doing so they wish to take control of situations and the people involved in the situation. Such situations help them create the kind of drama they wish to revel in.
If you make yourself a smaller target, your narcissistic mother might get involved with others and would target you less.
Establishing firm Boundaries and not allowing her to bulldoze those boundaries
Another important step to stop the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse is by setting clear and firm boundaries. This means being clear about what you will and will not tolerate from your narcissistic mother. Once you gain maturity it is important to communicate these boundaries, both verbally and in writing, and to stick to them consistently.
The first step is taking your power back by setting boundaries. Narcissists can be demanding and take up a lot of your time and energy. Setting boundaries helps you protect your time, space, and mental health. Narcissists tend to cross boundaries frequently. Being firm and assertive about your limits and holding them accountable if they violate them is also one of the best to set boundaries.
Maintaining a boundary with an aggressive narcissistic parent – Narcissistic parents tend to be furious, choose violence along with raising their voice to prove a point, or deal with their children when their children argue about something. So when a narcissistic parent raises their voice with you, just mention that you would not communicate with them unless they calm down and lower their voice.
Try to Empathize
Though her bad behavior should never be excused, being compassionate towards her can be helpful to at least understand her viewpoint and her mental and emotional state.
Narcissists may look strong-headed and sorted from the outside, but they may be chaotic, disturbed, and fragile from the inside. They may look happy, but they may be deeply disturbed from within due to which they may be behaving in such an abusive manner. Thus narcissistic mothers may look like fulfilling parents, but they may be lacking in many aspects.
They may be incapable of seeing how their behavior may affect others. Thus rather than hating her you may want to empathize with her so that you can maintain your peace of mind.
While dealing with a narcissistic mother, just keep in mind one thing, “I should not take anything personally as this is not about me.” Depersonalizing your narcissistic mother’s behavior may allow you to look at the actual problem and emotionally detach yourself from the situation that is making you sad.
She may be projecting all that just because she might be disturbed from the within and she might be using you to get away from her turmoil. Just remember that it is not just with you, she treats everyone like this so it is not about you.
Take your time
While dealing with a narcissistic mother, you might have situations where you might not like to provide answers immediately as they may put you through trauma. Then in such situations, you may take your time, find a way that works for both of you, and then answer her.
For instance, she may be demanding something from you that you may not want to give or do for her. In such situations, you may answer wisely with statements like, “I am unsure right now, let me get back to you in some time.”
The quicker you make peace with the fact that you have a narcissistic mother, the sooner you might settle in with the fact and find peace in your mind by coping with the situation.
It is important to note that every traumatic experience can be healed and you have the strength to overcome them. “Every cloud has a silver lining”, in the same way, you can overcome and heal from all bad experiences so never give up on yourself, and do not lose hope.
You cannot choose your parents or the way they treat you, but you can always find ways to defend yourself, find coping ways, and create healthy boundaries. Healing requires self-care, self-compassion, and a lot of patience. Be patient with yourself and do not rush the healing.